I used to believe that I wasn’t worth anything if I didn’t have my husband’s love. You could say that I was that needy and clingy, or maybe he controlled me that much and had that power over me. And I let him because I thought that this was love. I felt that if I submitted to him, like how an obedient wife would bow down to her husband, he would love me more. That didn’t happen.
Another sad attempt of mine to keep his “love” was to agree in having so many babies. Don’t get me wrong. I love all of my children – all five of them is a part of my life. They are my children, and they all came from me. I am half of what they are, and they are part of the reason why I still exist and persist in my life. But I made myself think, back then, that if I had many kids with him, he will love me forever and will stay with me. That didn’t happen.
Would you believe that I almost died? I tried to commit suicide by drinking dangerous pills twelve years ago. It was a stupid move – I know that now. I thought that if I made this kind of “drama,” he will leave his mistress. If I “almost died,” he will love me more and try to make it all the better between us. In my mind, he will stop gambling. He will stay at home more, and he will help me out with your children. All I wanted was his love and attention. That didn’t happen.
He neglected me for years. I had trouble sleeping and experienced bouts of depression too. My self-esteem was at an all-time low, and for what? Just for a man, a man who didn’t even deserve my love.
I realized that things would never go my way – all the sweet moments and the love things – when he got another trash pregnant yet again. This man has no regard for my feelings. He doesn’t think about me; what makes me sad, or angry, and what makes me happy. All he cares about himself and how he can take advantage of me and my love for him.
So, I did what was unbearable at first. I distanced myself from him. And like an abuser to his victim, he tried to lure me back in, but I already built a wall. It wasn’t sturdy enough back then, but my family was my anchor. They were there to support me and remind me that I am better off without him. Why? He has done nothing but harms me physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally, and psychologically. That man even damaged my bank account and gold jewelry. There is nothing good between us except for our five children, and for that, just for that, I am grateful for his existence.
God placed me in this situation. This is my destiny, and even if I had to go through a touch twenty years, I still thank my Creator that I am alive and well.
One year has passed, and I am feeling great. I have a new career, and let’s say, a few fans waving and paving their ways to my heart. Good thing that I am not stupid now and that I know to love myself first, before anything else.